Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998