Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
guilty
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
🤣😈🤣
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Said the murderer.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.