“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
just pretend nothing happened
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.