I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it