DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?