Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I saw nothing
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta