I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
You Might Also Like
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.