As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.