Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Just why bro?!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!