Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.