Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs