some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
put ‘er there pardner!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.