I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
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Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.