Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
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I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Tell the colonel to bring it
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please