the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
You Might Also Like
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.