Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit