Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
You Might Also Like
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.