My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
You Might Also Like
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My Guy
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡