Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
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I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way