My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
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latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
accurate
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]