I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me too, bag. Me too….
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.