If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss