i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Only Americans understand
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Quadruple digit IQ
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.