I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed