Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
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Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.