If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Truth
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.