“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Bless you
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
why no one uses midhusbands
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Who does Amazon think I am?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?