Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product