Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
me hooking up with my ex
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.