murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Why soy sad?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Traveler’s camo
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.