I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.