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My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.