Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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Beware of fowl play.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.