day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
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Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Pretty much. 🤣
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?