According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
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JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.