Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Social distancing in Australia:
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says