Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Stop sending me this shit.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I am all good here, 😂😉
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”