“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
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When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.