Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Hello, my name is Pierre.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
called in thicc to work this morning
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”