My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
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Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..