A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes