I missed you with all my darts
You Might Also Like
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before