Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*