Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.