[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
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Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Employees must applaud the planets.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy