2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
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Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.