#dalle2
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how to have an accident 101
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.