[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
girls literally only want one thing..
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.