*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
When news reporters do sports stories
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that