The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
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Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA